SecretLifeOfDawn

When you live in Paradise, you sometimes take for granted just how blessed you truly are. So many times after work when I lived in San Diego, in the evenings I'd take that ten minute drive down to the beach, digging my toes in the cool golden sandy earth, breathing in that fresh salty Pacific Ocean air, relaxing, letting go of the daily stresses that encompass ones life. Listening to the waves as they crash against the shoreline, gazing off into the distance as the sun would began her evening show of setting using the blue ocean waters as her backdrop. The stage was set for a spectacular night of eye catching colors splashing the beautiful blue sky with hues of bright pinks and shades of orange. I love San Diego she never disappoints.  Earlier this month I went with friends to San Diego. It was a first time touring the city as a tourist and not a resident. It was a strange feeling, being a tourist in my own city, but I loved every moment of seeing this beautiful place through the e

 Recently I took a trip back home to San Diego. A trip I wasn't completely sure I could follow through with. I had been planning to return for several months, things fell into place a few months prior and with that, the excitement of going home begin to outweigh the dread and sadness I thought I may encounter once back in California.  As the days begin to draw closer to my trip my anxiety begin to build, I was so excited to return, yet in the back of my mind I often felt a cloud of sadness begin to surround me. For the past two years it's been easier to be across the country then home. The pain is easier to push away, it's easy for him to be here with me in a place of beauty and happiness, it's easy for him to still be real, it's easy to talk about him in the present, not live in the past surrounded by darkness. He's real to me here, he hasn't left, he's alive and I speak of my Dad often.  I find myself telling my new friends, my patients, even strangers

The loss that has invaded ones soul and consumes ones daily living, the only light seen is that which comes through the cracks in the wall put up as only a show of strength. The loss is great, feelings of abandonment rise up again and again as the sadness comes in waves, reckless with life not caring of life nor death, having understood this was how it was meant to be at the loss of each tie that held it together, making one believe, not by blood, but by love we are connected, realizing long ago it is by blood, of which there is none. Ties cut, wounds are deep, yet life keeps moving strangely forward.

Dad,  I miss you so much, thought I'd sit down and write you a letter to tell you Happy Birthday!. How I wish we were all getting together to celebrate you, I miss the laughter, the sweetness and fun times as we all gathered around you as a family to celebrate you. A life time ago it seems we were all close as a family yet the pain of knowing your gone is all so overwhelming. Lonesomeness has set in and just moving through each day is monumental at best. You were the glue, that held us all together, and I miss you, I miss your love and I miss that connection of family held together by you. I find some peace knowing you are with my momma, celebrating your special day in heaven....I love you to the moon and stars and everymorning I say it first! My hero and King....

Cold winter evening, perched on the window seat near the fire, snow falling from the cold gray skies above, Fingers intertwined around a glass of Malbec. Sirens and suddenly the mind begins its decent down a road, long sense pushed to the edge of the mind. Far from the madness, thought I'd escaped. Sirens, it takes my breath away, for a moment the rise and fall of my breathing becomes labored as I gasp for air, the oxygen suddenly seems to have evaporated from the room. I'm desperate to get air, for I've no idea what's happening, mind racing, how could I lose control in an instant, how did I forget how to breathe. Suddenly the emotion is all to clear as it begins, flooding  my entire being, washing over my soul as the rains fill the lake overflowing breaking the dam. I feel tears begin to stream down my face. I'm thrown into a sea of memories, desire, joyous, dreamy, unforgettable, closeness, connection, carefree, all sane thoughts compartmetalized into tiny boxes,

Being a single parent, never thought it would be me, yet here I sit in the throws of, (for all intense purposes), (the last 8 months and a few more I, feel sure.) single parenthood. This evening as I look around my home, my children all in their place. My eldest up late finishing up some college homework, my younger two fast asleep as they have to rise early and begin the morning rush of tiding up and getting ready for school before sunrise  I'll make them a bowl of warm oatmeal, give them their vitamins and hot tea with honey, fuss with them to hurry, so much to do, finish breakfast, walk the beagle, grab backpacks, heavy coats, scarfs, hats and gloves and rush out the door to the bus stop. I realize just how much work it is for one parent, how draining it can be, the sheer toll it can take, many days I've come home from work, exhausted, wishing so badly I could just fall in to bed and sleep for twelve hours. Being a single parent doesn't allow for exhausted days, it doesn