SecretLifeOfDawn

Dad,  I miss you so much, thought I'd sit down and write you a letter to tell you Happy Birthday!. How I wish we were all getting together to celebrate you, I miss the laughter, the sweetness and fun times as we all gathered around you as a family to celebrate you. A life time ago it seems we were all close as a family yet the pain of knowing your gone is all so overwhelming. Lonesomeness has set in and just moving through each day is monumental at best. You were the glue, that held us all together, and I miss you, I miss your love and I miss that connection of family held together by you. I find some peace knowing you are with my momma, celebrating your special day in heaven....I love you to the moon and stars and everymorning I say it first! My hero and King....

Cold winter evening, perched on the window seat near the fire, snow falling from the cold gray skies above, Fingers intertwined around a glass of Malbec. Sirens and suddenly the mind begins its decent down a road, long sense pushed to the edge of the mind. Far from the madness, thought I'd escaped. Sirens, it takes my breath away, for a moment the rise and fall of my breathing becomes labored as I gasp for air, the oxygen suddenly seems to have evaporated from the room. I'm desperate to get air, for I've no idea what's happening, mind racing, how could I lose control in an instant, how did I forget how to breathe. Suddenly the emotion is all to clear as it begins, flooding  my entire being, washing over my soul as the rains fill the lake overflowing breaking the dam. I feel tears begin to stream down my face. I'm thrown into a sea of memories, desire, joyous, dreamy, unforgettable, closeness, connection, carefree, all sane thoughts compartmetalized into tiny boxes, ...

Being a single parent, never thought it would be me, yet here I sit in the throws of, (for all intense purposes), (the last 8 months and a few more I, feel sure.) single parenthood. This evening as I look around my home, my children all in their place. My eldest up late finishing up some college homework, my younger two fast asleep as they have to rise early and begin the morning rush of tiding up and getting ready for school before sunrise  I'll make them a bowl of warm oatmeal, give them their vitamins and hot tea with honey, fuss with them to hurry, so much to do, finish breakfast, walk the beagle, grab backpacks, heavy coats, scarfs, hats and gloves and rush out the door to the bus stop. I realize just how much work it is for one parent, how draining it can be, the sheer toll it can take, many days I've come home from work, exhausted, wishing so badly I could just fall in to bed and sleep for twelve hours. Being a single parent doesn't allow for exhausted days, it doesn...

It was a beautiful spring morning and I was spending the day alone. My children were in school, attending college, every one was in there respective places. Not needing me for several hours, I took the opportunity to enjoy the beauty of the day at the beach and turned off my phone.  I was about an hour outside San Diego, away from everyone. The sun was shining, the water glistening, no clouds, just a beautiful blue sky turning this majestic morning into a gorgeous afternoon. It was early afternoon by the time I decided to turn on my phone as it began the sound of turning on, signaling missed texts messages and calls. I began the task of listening to my voice mail, a few messages played as I was getting in my car, then came the last voice mail in my mailbox, that began the sadness, of, once again being cast into a very sad season of life.  My beloved Father was in need of Morphine. My heart sank as I knew this was the beginning of my nightmare. The shadow of death began it...

June 2015, notes -  Like a wave crashing against the bank of the shoreline, my heart wants to let go and crash into the waters of pure sadness, I want to wallow, if just for a moment in the ocean of great pain and loss. I want to be angry and sad all at the same time. I want to yell at God, yes...I want to be mad at God for my losses, for this bone crushing pain that has been life altering, for my weakness, for all the bad that's happened in my life, yet as I look up through the dark clouds from this place of great sadness and wounded heart.  I see a glimpse of sunshine as I hear my Fathers voice, shhhh....Cam, it will be okay, look at the beauty of all God has blessed our family with. Blessed you with. I realize, yes, there has been much pain and heartache, but there's also been so much, Joy, Peace, Laughter, Family, Children, and Friends.   I've been surrounded by a great deal of Love. A Father who chose me to be his Daughter, who has loved me unconditionally, my greate...

May 30, 2015 3:36pm - my notes, that I've been unable to post until now. I've been the strongest I've ever been in my entire life. Yet I feel incredibly weak, the sadness that fill my eyes, the screams of gut wrenching pain that creep in, are held back, not by strength, for I have so little left to cling to, but by hands wrapped around my mouth, fingers intertwined to lock in any escape of distress through clinched teeth and eyes ever so tightly closed, in hopes of pushing away the ever so present pain, and for the next moment I have found success.

Each morning as I lay awake, I pray for strength to just get through the process of arising and moving forward. I long for the late night text messages saying "good night and to the moon!". Heavy eyelids from the day of gathering my children, rushing to and from school, after school practices, home work and just the business of the day that began at sunrise. feeling it was now okay to finally let go, falling in to a peacful sleep, knowing that for one more evening, the nightmares which would often visit have faded away and at last all was right in my world. Feeling so alone, the walls of my world seem to be closing in on me, my insides feel as though they are rotting away, with each passing day, my strength is failing me, I seem to have lost it someplace along this heart crushing path as I flounder about trying to regroup and grasp what this all means. My most beloved favorite human being in all the world has left my side and now I must travel alone.... To the Moon!