Season of sadness

May 30, 2015 3:36pm - my notes, that I've been unable to post until now. I've been the strongest I've ever been in my entire life. Yet I feel incredibly weak, the sadness that fill my eyes, the screams of gut wrenching pain that creep in, are held back, not by strength, for I have so little left to cling to, but by hands wrapped around my mouth, fingers intertwined to lock in any escape of distress through clinched teeth and eyes ever so tightly closed, in hopes of pushing away the ever so present pain, and for the next moment I have found success.

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My mid-life crisis, turning 40

I turned forty this past spring, me, 40 years old! I tried all year long to ignore my age. It's so depressing this new phase of my life. I am no longer referred to as miss, girl or young lady I am now Mrs. or Mam. Now, I simply ignore those people who have decided to put me in this category, the clerks, salespeople, baggers (at least the young cute one's) at the grocery store, my nail girl (for this she gets no referrals from me!, this is my way of getting her back for calling out in the salon...oh, mam... you forgot your keys, really is that necessary!) ect... and anyone else who has deemed me old! No, I don't desire to be a kid or a teenager ever again, although I had the time of my life with no responsibilities and parents who pretty much gave us all that we desired or wished for (this, I am not passing on to my children.), I like being an adult. I just don't like that I'm getting older, I don't like that my face cream is no longer for women who are 40(acco...

25 Random Things

25 Random Things About Me, In No Particular Order. 1. I climbed the stairs all the way to the top of the Statue Of Liberty and looked out through the little windows in her crown, it was amazing...!!. You can no longer do that. 2. I use to dye my hair purple/plum. What was I thinking?!!! 3. I went to a funeral in Tepic Nayarit, Mexico. a lady at the church in Tepic where my Father ministered at, died. we attended her funeral. She was in an open casket with her eyes open and her mouth in a full on grin with her teeth showing, one gold as I recall. The casket was covered in clear plexiglass so you could see, but not smell. We had to wear vail's and walk with her through the streets of Tepic in the, evening!!. I was just a kid and totally freaked out by this!!! 4. I once shot a rifle. The kick back (or whatever you call it) after I pulled the trigger knocked me to the ground, backward! and scared me!, but I loved it! 5. I once drove, straight through, from Louisiana to San Diego with m...

Each morning as I lay awake, I pray for strength to just get through the process of arising and moving forward. I long for the late night text messages saying "good night and to the moon!". Heavy eyelids from the day of gathering my children, rushing to and from school, after school practices, home work and just the business of the day that began at sunrise. feeling it was now okay to finally let go, falling in to a peacful sleep, knowing that for one more evening, the nightmares which would often visit have faded away and at last all was right in my world. Feeling so alone, the walls of my world seem to be closing in on me, my insides feel as though they are rotting away, with each passing day, my strength is failing me, I seem to have lost it someplace along this heart crushing path as I flounder about trying to regroup and grasp what this all means. My most beloved favorite human being in all the world has left my side and now I must travel alone.... To the Moon!

SecretLifeOfDawn

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