Season of sadness

May 30, 2015 3:36pm - my notes, that I've been unable to post until now. I've been the strongest I've ever been in my entire life. Yet I feel incredibly weak, the sadness that fill my eyes, the screams of gut wrenching pain that creep in, are held back, not by strength, for I have so little left to cling to, but by hands wrapped around my mouth, fingers intertwined to lock in any escape of distress through clinched teeth and eyes ever so tightly closed, in hopes of pushing away the ever so present pain, and for the next moment I have found success.

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Hear the sirens....

Cold winter evening, perched on the window seat near the fire, snow falling from the cold gray skies above, Fingers intertwined around a glass of Malbec. Sirens and suddenly the mind begins its decent down a road, long sense pushed to the edge of the mind. Far from the madness, thought I'd escaped. Sirens, it takes my breath away, for a moment the rise and fall of my breathing becomes labored as I gasp for air, the oxygen suddenly seems to have evaporated from the room. I'm desperate to get air, for I've no idea what's happening, mind racing, how could I lose control in an instant, how did I forget how to breathe. Suddenly the emotion is all to clear as it begins, flooding my entire being, washing over my soul as the rains fill the lake overflowing breaking the dam. I feel tears begin to stream down my face. I'm thrown into a sea of memories, desire, joyous, dreamy, unforgettable, closeness, connection, carefree, all sane thoughts compartmetalized into tiny boxes, ...

The single parent....not for faint of heart

Being a single parent, never thought it would be me, yet here I sit in the throws of, (for all intense purposes), (the last 8 months and a few more I, feel sure.) single parenthood. This evening as I look around my home, my children all in their place. My eldest up late finishing up some college homework, my younger two fast asleep as they have to rise early and begin the morning rush of tiding up and getting ready for school before sunrise I'll make them a bowl of warm oatmeal, give them their vitamins and hot tea with honey, fuss with them to hurry, so much to do, finish breakfast, walk the beagle, grab backpacks, heavy coats, scarfs, hats and gloves and rush out the door to the bus stop. I realize just how much work it is for one parent, how draining it can be, the sheer toll it can take, many days I've come home from work, exhausted, wishing so badly I could just fall in to bed and sleep for twelve hours. Being a single parent doesn't allow for exhausted days, it doesn...

What I know for sure...

I know there is a God. I know there is a heaven. I know to never take life for granted, (but I often get busy and do). I know that it's those small daily happenings(in my own world) that make life so spectacular. I know that no matter how bad things get, there are always people in this world who care. I know that whenever he says my name "Cami" it's still feels like the very first time he said it. I know that it's an honor and a privilege to be Ethan, Elaine and Evan's Mommy, I know that all to soon my children will be all grown up with lives of their own (so, I cherish every moment, that I get to spend with them). I know that the older I get the more I appreciate my parents. I know that if I worry I should pray and I know that if I pray I shouldn't worry. I know that God is still in control. I know for sure, that it rains on the just and the unjust alike. I know exercising feels great and clears your head. I know you don't need words to say "I lo...

SecretLifeOfDawn

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