Season of sadness

May 30, 2015 3:36pm - my notes, that I've been unable to post until now. I've been the strongest I've ever been in my entire life. Yet I feel incredibly weak, the sadness that fill my eyes, the screams of gut wrenching pain that creep in, are held back, not by strength, for I have so little left to cling to, but by hands wrapped around my mouth, fingers intertwined to lock in any escape of distress through clinched teeth and eyes ever so tightly closed, in hopes of pushing away the ever so present pain, and for the next moment I have found success.

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Hear the sirens....

Cold winter evening, perched on the window seat near the fire, snow falling from the cold gray skies above, Fingers intertwined around a glass of Malbec. Sirens and suddenly the mind begins its decent down a road, long sense pushed to the edge of the mind. Far from the madness, thought I'd escaped. Sirens, it takes my breath away, for a moment the rise and fall of my breathing becomes labored as I gasp for air, the oxygen suddenly seems to have evaporated from the room. I'm desperate to get air, for I've no idea what's happening, mind racing, how could I lose control in an instant, how did I forget how to breathe. Suddenly the emotion is all to clear as it begins, flooding my entire being, washing over my soul as the rains fill the lake overflowing breaking the dam. I feel tears begin to stream down my face. I'm thrown into a sea of memories, desire, joyous, dreamy, unforgettable, closeness, connection, carefree, all sane thoughts compartmetalized into tiny boxes, ...

Serving Leftovers to a Holy God!

God wants our best, deserves our best, and demands our best, from the beginning of time, He has been clear that some offerings are acceptable to him and others are not. It's easy to fill ourselves up with other things and then give God whatever is left. Hosea 13:6 says, "When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." God gets a scrap or two only because we feel guilty for not giving Him nothing. A mumbled three minute prayer at the end of the day, when we are already half asleep. Two crumpled-up dollar bills thrown as an afterthought into the church's fund for the poor. Fetch, God! Wow! this brings tears to my eyes, for this is me, so busy with my life, kids, family that I have been satisfied just giving Him my leftovers! Leftovers are not merely inadequate; from God's point of view(and lest we forget, His is the only one that matters), they're evil. lets stop calling it a "busy schedule" or ...

Love of God....

June 2015, notes - Like a wave crashing against the bank of the shoreline, my heart wants to let go and crash into the waters of pure sadness, I want to wallow, if just for a moment in the ocean of great pain and loss. I want to be angry and sad all at the same time. I want to yell at God, yes...I want to be mad at God for my losses, for this bone crushing pain that has been life altering, for my weakness, for all the bad that's happened in my life, yet as I look up through the dark clouds from this place of great sadness and wounded heart. I see a glimpse of sunshine as I hear my Fathers voice, shhhh....Cam, it will be okay, look at the beauty of all God has blessed our family with. Blessed you with. I realize, yes, there has been much pain and heartache, but there's also been so much, Joy, Peace, Laughter, Family, Children, and Friends. I've been surrounded by a great deal of Love. A Father who chose me to be his Daughter, who has loved me unconditionally, my greate...

SecretLifeOfDawn

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