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Love of God....

June 2015, notes - 

Like a wave crashing against the bank of the shoreline, my heart wants to let go and crash into the waters of pure sadness, I want to wallow, if just for a moment in the ocean of great pain and loss.

I want to be angry and sad all at the same time. I want to yell at God, yes...I want to be mad at God for my losses, for this bone crushing pain that has been life altering, for my weakness, for all the bad that's happened in my life, yet as I look up through the dark clouds from this place of great sadness and wounded heart. 

I see a glimpse of sunshine as I hear my Fathers voice, shhhh....Cam, it will be okay, look at the beauty of all God has blessed our family with. Blessed you with. I realize, yes, there has been much pain and heartache, but there's also been so much, Joy, Peace, Laughter, Family, Children, and Friends. 

I've been surrounded by a great deal of Love. A Father who chose me to be his Daughter, who has loved me unconditionally, my greatest supporter, my cheering section, keeper of my secrets, fun loving, thrill seaking, my calm and peace. Full of wisdom and my source of strength. Never changing, always the same.

Dad, Thank you for all that you've given me, for life, unconditional love, and family, my husband, my children, for showing and teaching love of God and Truth, I am truly blessed and while the pain of loss is great, the Love of God is Greater.

To the moon!

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Each morning as I lay awake, I pray for strength to just get through the process of arising and moving forward. I long for the late night text messages saying "good night and to the moon!". Heavy eyelids from the day of gathering my children, rushing to and from school, after school practices, home work and just the business of the day that began at sunrise. feeling it was now okay to finally let go, falling in to a peacful sleep, knowing that for one more evening, the nightmares which would often visit have faded away and at last all was right in my world. Feeling so alone, the walls of my world seem to be closing in on me, my insides feel as though they are rotting away, with each passing day, my strength is failing me, I seem to have lost it someplace along this heart crushing path as I flounder about trying to regroup and grasp what this all means. My most beloved favorite human being in all the world has left my side and now I must travel alone.... To the Moon!