Cold winter evening, perched on the window seat near the fire, snow falling from the cold gray skies above, Fingers intertwined around a glass of Malbec. Sirens and suddenly the mind begins its decent down a road, long sense pushed to the edge of the mind. Far from the madness, thought I'd escaped. Sirens, it takes my breath away, for a moment the rise and fall of my breathing becomes labored as I gasp for air, the oxygen suddenly seems to have evaporated from the room. I'm desperate to get air, for I've no idea what's happening, mind racing, how could I lose control in an instant, how did I forget how to breathe. Suddenly the emotion is all to clear as it begins, flooding my entire being, washing over my soul as the rains fill the lake overflowing breaking the dam. I feel tears begin to stream down my face. I'm thrown into a sea of memories, desire, joyous, dreamy, unforgettable, closeness, connection, carefree, all sane thoughts compartmetalized into tiny boxes, no rationale, just being. So easy, yet overwhelmingly draining all together in one seamless flow of highs and lows. Sand, ocean, music, laughter, madness, erupting into rivers of sadness at yet another loss. My soul is on fire. One spark and out of control, the flames begin their rise. Blue skies, hot glistening days, into warm summer evenings. Burned into memory for it will last a lifetime. Sounds....ocean, waves crashing as the tide rolls in. Feelings.....heat, warmth, fire, sand beneath fingers as they grasp and release. Sights....stars brightly shining in the midnight sky, summer moonshine, lights twinkling in the distance, burning into memory. Connected souls. Shared secrets, heartbreaking, life changing hurts, crushing pains. Understanding, sympathies. The rise and fall...Sirens, "the sounds echoing closer, will they come for me next time, I study your face the fear goes away, if I think to much I can get overwhelmed by the grace, by which we live our lives with death over our shoulders." Awakened by reality just as it is, serene....early morning sunrise the noise, turns to calm, quite beauty, Alive.
I turned forty this past spring, me, 40 years old! I tried all year long to ignore my age. It's so depressing this new phase of my life. I am no longer referred to as miss, girl or young lady I am now Mrs. or Mam. Now, I simply ignore those people who have decided to put me in this category, the clerks, salespeople, baggers (at least the young cute one's) at the grocery store, my nail girl (for this she gets no referrals from me!, this is my way of getting her back for calling out in the salon...oh, mam... you forgot your keys, really is that necessary!) ect... and anyone else who has deemed me old! No, I don't desire to be a kid or a teenager ever again, although I had the time of my life with no responsibilities and parents who pretty much gave us all that we desired or wished for (this, I am not passing on to my children.), I like being an adult. I just don't like that I'm getting older, I don't like that my face cream is no longer for women who are 40(acco...
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