A year or two ago there were raging fires in Southern California that burned down several camp grounds, one of which I went to several times as a kid. A few weeks back my hubby and I took the munchkins to Julian for the day of picking apples at an orchard and hiking. It was such a beautiful fall day as we drove up through the mountains. You could see where the fires aftermath had taken it's toll on the trees. Some were completely burned out, while others were at the beginnings of new growth. As we were winding through and around the mountains I was amazed at such beauty, then we came to the camp ground where I used to go camping as kid. The entire camp had burned to the ground, the only thing still standing are the two brick columns at each end of what was the mess hall/meeting room. It was so strange for me to see this place all burned and empty. This was such a happy place for me to go to as a child, this was the place were everything was good, life was great! So many wonderful memories!! In an instant...all that changed. The reality of it was, I was now in the midst of how cruel life could actually be. My whole life as I knew it suddenly shifted, never to be the same again. The loss of a loved one as a young child is such incredible mind numbing agony. There is no way to really ever explain the catastrophic loss you feel. Twenty nine years ago in an instant this...was my new normal. I no longer feel agony or pain. The tears that once stained my face are rare, now replaced with wonderful memories of a time so long ago, and the wonderment of how life would be if my beloved were here today. On that day a few weeks ago as the sun began to set and my family headed back to the car to head home from a day full of fun and excitement from hiking and picking apples. Tired from the fun filled day, my children had fallen asleep and all was quite in the car, but the hum of the engine. As we passed Camp Wallahee, this forty year old woman was suddenly looking through the eyes of the eleven year old child, who was on her way back home from camp, to attend a funeral. Sitting in the back seat all alone, looking out the window of the station wagon, winding back down the mountain into San Diego, feeling so empty inside, no tears, on the ride home alone, just emptiness. I was trying to fathom, understand what was happening, having never been touched by death, I was unaware of all these feelings that I was experiencing. Now I realize, yes, I'm fortunate, propitious, and so so blessed that this woman was in my life, if only for a few short years.
Cold winter evening, perched on the window seat near the fire, snow falling from the cold gray skies above, Fingers intertwined around a glass of Malbec. Sirens and suddenly the mind begins its decent down a road, long sense pushed to the edge of the mind. Far from the madness, thought I'd escaped. Sirens, it takes my breath away, for a moment the rise and fall of my breathing becomes labored as I gasp for air, the oxygen suddenly seems to have evaporated from the room. I'm desperate to get air, for I've no idea what's happening, mind racing, how could I lose control in an instant, how did I forget how to breathe. Suddenly the emotion is all to clear as it begins, flooding my entire being, washing over my soul as the rains fill the lake overflowing breaking the dam. I feel tears begin to stream down my face. I'm thrown into a sea of memories, desire, joyous, dreamy, unforgettable, closeness, connection, carefree, all sane thoughts compartmetalized into tiny boxes, ...
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