SecretLifeOfDawn

It was a beautiful spring morning and I was spending the day alone. My children were in school, attending college, every one was in there respective places. Not needing me for several hours, I took the opportunity to enjoy the beauty of the day at the beach and turned off my phone.  I was about an hour outside San Diego, away from everyone. The sun was shining, the water glistening, no clouds, just a beautiful blue sky turning this majestic morning into a gorgeous afternoon. It was early afternoon by the time I decided to turn on my phone as it began the sound of turning on, signaling missed texts messages and calls. I began the task of listening to my voice mail, a few messages played as I was getting in my car, then came the last voice mail in my mailbox, that began the sadness, of, once again being cast into a very sad season of life.  My beloved Father was in need of Morphine. My heart sank as I knew this was the beginning of my nightmare. The shadow of death began it...

June 2015, notes -  Like a wave crashing against the bank of the shoreline, my heart wants to let go and crash into the waters of pure sadness, I want to wallow, if just for a moment in the ocean of great pain and loss. I want to be angry and sad all at the same time. I want to yell at God, yes...I want to be mad at God for my losses, for this bone crushing pain that has been life altering, for my weakness, for all the bad that's happened in my life, yet as I look up through the dark clouds from this place of great sadness and wounded heart.  I see a glimpse of sunshine as I hear my Fathers voice, shhhh....Cam, it will be okay, look at the beauty of all God has blessed our family with. Blessed you with. I realize, yes, there has been much pain and heartache, but there's also been so much, Joy, Peace, Laughter, Family, Children, and Friends.   I've been surrounded by a great deal of Love. A Father who chose me to be his Daughter, who has loved me unconditionally, my greate...

May 30, 2015 3:36pm - my notes, that I've been unable to post until now. I've been the strongest I've ever been in my entire life. Yet I feel incredibly weak, the sadness that fill my eyes, the screams of gut wrenching pain that creep in, are held back, not by strength, for I have so little left to cling to, but by hands wrapped around my mouth, fingers intertwined to lock in any escape of distress through clinched teeth and eyes ever so tightly closed, in hopes of pushing away the ever so present pain, and for the next moment I have found success.

Each morning as I lay awake, I pray for strength to just get through the process of arising and moving forward. I long for the late night text messages saying "good night and to the moon!". Heavy eyelids from the day of gathering my children, rushing to and from school, after school practices, home work and just the business of the day that began at sunrise. feeling it was now okay to finally let go, falling in to a peacful sleep, knowing that for one more evening, the nightmares which would often visit have faded away and at last all was right in my world. Feeling so alone, the walls of my world seem to be closing in on me, my insides feel as though they are rotting away, with each passing day, my strength is failing me, I seem to have lost it someplace along this heart crushing path as I flounder about trying to regroup and grasp what this all means. My most beloved favorite human being in all the world has left my side and now I must travel alone.... To the Moon!